Low T

On the way to work I pass a clinic with a huge sign that says “Low T”. This new-age disorder has replaced “Restless Leg Syndrome” as the new made up thing that people think the suffer from. They call it Andropause (this is “male menopause”) or Low T. The “T” is for testosterone. Here’s a complete list of symptoms:
      “Your T is low, Fool.”
    • Fatigue
    • Memory Loss
    • Muscle Loss
    • Weight Gain
    • Low Sex Drive
    • Erectile Dysfunction
    • Depression
    • Irritable Male Syndrome
    • Hot Flashes
    • Night Sweats
    • Hair Loss
    • Sleep Apnea
    • Prostate Problems
    • Osteoporosis

Oh God! Where do I start? One of the symptoms is “Irritable Male Syndrome“. I cut this definition right off a website called renewman.com, “Getting irritated by things that never used to bother you? Have you lost your temper suddenly or for no apparent reason? Never quite know when you’re going to fly off the handle again?” I’ve been an irritable male since puberty. I thought flying off the handle was a sign of testosterone rage. Are they saying if I take their drugs, I will have more testosterone, but I’ll be mellow? OH THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!

Fatigue, memory loss, muscle loss, weight gain, hair loss. Find me one man over forty who doesn’t suffer from four of those five things and I’ll buy him a wig. Hair loss? Really? They are claiming that hereditary male pattern baldness is actually a symptom of this disease. Whah?
Low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and depression. If you spend enough years being emasculated by women, subjugated by the boss, treated like an idiot by your children, and beat down by life you will exhibit all of these symptoms. Hormones have nothing to do with it. 
Sleep apnea, prostate problems and osteoporosis. These are all serious problems, the cause of which is not low testosterone. They are each actual health problems. Diseases in their own right. If you suffer from one of these, go to an actual doctor and get help.
Wait a minute. Is this all some B.S. reason to legally get steroid injections? Why didn’t you they so? Every man wants to be a pumped up action hero. They’re going about this all wrong. The ad shouldn’t say “Remember when you had the energy to [do a bunch of wussy stuff like be romantic and go to concerts]” It should feature Mr. T saying, “Wanna get ripped? Wanna bust some heads? Tired of takin’ shit off everybody all the time? Then get your T back, Sucka!”

Hell yeah! Sign me up.


Eat and Run

I have been running. A lot! Like 30 miles a week. It’s not because I’m 37 years old and beginning to feel my age, though I am. It’s not because I fear my own mortality, though I do. It’s not because I was 20 pounds overweight, though I was. It’s because I want to be able to eat whatever I want, all the time with complete disregard for the consequences.

I have the sort of personality that is prone to excess. I like to eat too much. I like to drink until I can’t walk or talk. I like to work all the time; from home, from work, from the car, days, nights, weekends.

For a long time I was obsessed with eating low carb. Eating low carb is similar to drinking too much or working too much. It’s not all fun, but it’s a means to an end. And now I’m obsessed with running. I run every day, well mostly. I have a schedule where I run every evening after work, five miles one day, three the next, then five the next, etc. Some days I run more. Some days I run less. Some times I’ll skip a day and make up the missed mileage over the next few runs.

My struggle now is that running and overeating or binge drinking don’t always go together. It’s nice to know I can eat a huge cheeseburger without worrying about the carbs or calories, but I can’t drive through and eat one on the way home because I know I’m going to run five miles when I get home. You just can’t run five miles with a belly full of cheeseburger. You also can’t run five miles drunk or even hungover for that matter. So now I find myself making choices, actual healthy choices, based on my next scheduled run.

Maybe I can become obsessed with a search for balance.