Day 1: I am thankful for fat Asians. I hope to live to see fat Indians and fat Africans.
Day 2: I am thankful for candy corn. Until I eat a second piece of candy corn.
Day 3: I am thankful for that old man I saw at the Post Office who was wearing ladies spike heel dress shoes. Let your freak flag fly old man!
Day 4: I am thankful that Sasquatches are so good at hiding.
Day 5: I am thankful for that commercial where the guy just keeps saying “enchiladas” over and over.
Day 6: I am thankful for rhymes to help me remember which kind of snakes are venomous.
Day 7: I am thankful that XM Radio won’t start playing Christmas music until Nov. 17. So you can all just calm the hell down.
Day 8: I am thankful that I went bald from the top down and not the bottom up.
Day 9: I am thankful that someone put the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special on YouTube. For years I thought I’d dreamed that.
Day 10: I am thankful for a cloudless day. Why are ALL clouds shaped like penises?
Day 11: I am thankful that Siri converts all of my spoken requests into something that would require a Navajo Code Talker to translate.
Day 12: I am thankful for one hour every two years for those signs that say “watch for ice on bridges” all year round.
Day 13: I am thankful that we don’t live on the timeline where the first President to control the atomic bomb was a vicious man-beast called Hairy Ass Truman.
Day 14: I am thankful for children, without whom all of my cool electronics would be made by giant ham-fisted adults.
Day 15: Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor!
Day 16: I am thankful for TV shows that suck after the first season for allowing me to take my free time back. I’m looking at you True Blood.
Day 17: I am thankful for The Neil Diamond Christmas Album. Not just because I love Neil Diamond, but because a Jewish guy singing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” is a special kind of selling out that should be celebrated.
Day 18: I am thankful that in a cave somewhere, there are two Templars who still know how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.
Day 19: I am thankful that they started playing Christmas music on the radio last weekend. Happy ThanksChristmas everyone!
Day 20: I am thankful for thongs most days, but the one I’m wearing today is riding up.
Day 21: I am thankful that Rick Perry is ready to leave Austin and start his new career as the front man for the Journey Christian cover band Don’t Stop Believin’.
Day 22: I am thankful that all the times in my life when there was only one set of footprints in the sand happened a few hours after I’d eaten a bunch of refried beans.
Day 23: I am thankful for 23 of the 38 episodes of Sheriff Lobo.
Day 24: I am thankful for the ever present and unexplained connection between rednecks and wolf iconography.
Day 25: I am thankful that I never saw my Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s just really, really wrong.
Day 26: I am thankful that alcohol helps me understand for a few hours how regular people think all the time.
Day 27: I am thankful that “No Shave November” has made Thanksgiving as ugly as it is tasty.
Day 28: I am thankful for pumpkin pie for distracting everyone while I eat the pies that don’t suck.
Day 29: I am thankful that Santa Claus has proven that obesity is in no way linked to mortality.
Day 30: I’m thankful November isn’t 31 days long. Maybe next year we can do this in February!