Great Caeser's Ghost

World Series Blog 1: How Al Qaeda Ruined Baseball

Most years I spend October watching my beloved New York Yankees in the World Series. When they’re not in the Series, I spend the month hating baseball. From the depth of my disappointment, I will now begin a best-in-seven-short-blog-series on the things that have ruined baseball. If it takes seven blog posts to get this out of my system, so be it. If I can kill it four, then all the better for my four loyal readers.

This is the story of how Al Qeada ruined baseball.

Other hand genius.

After the attacks of September 11, the Commissioner suspended games until Sept.16. The Yankees had their first post 9/11 home game on Sept 25. At the seventh inning stretch, instead of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”, an Irish Tenor sang “God Bless America”.

Okay, that was patriotic and sentimental. I’m glad we got that out of our systems. But it wasn’t a one-time happening. This became a new tradition for the Yankees. Then the tradition spread to almost all of Major League Baseball. Yankee Stadium even put in place a “no moving” rule during the singing of “God Bless America”. A guy sued them in 2009 because he was forced by security to leave the game because he left his seat. It’s the stretch!!! This is when you’re supposed to get up!

Wait. It get’s worse. Fans and players alike remove their caps and face the flag, hands on hearts. This is not the national anthem! It’s an Irving Berlin show tune. Sometimes it’s not even a person singing. It’s a scratchy old Kate Smith record. No one should have to stand solemnly in place, and face the flag and salute for a scratchy recording of a show tune. We don’t genuflect for “Ya Got Trouble” from The Music Man. We don’t lower our heads in prayer for “Maria” from West Side Story.

WTF MLB?

Low T

On the way to work I pass a clinic with a huge sign that says “Low T”. This new-age disorder has replaced “Restless Leg Syndrome” as the new made up thing that people think the suffer from. They call it Andropause (this is “male menopause”) or Low T. The “T” is for testosterone. Here’s a complete list of symptoms:

“Your T is low, Fool.”

Fatigue
Memory Loss
Muscle Loss
Weight Gain
Low Sex Drive
Erectile Dysfunction
Depression
Irritable Male Syndrome
Hot Flashes
Night Sweats
Hair Loss
Sleep Apnea
Prostate Problems
Osteoporosis

Oh God! Where do I start? One of the symptoms is “Irritable Male Syndrome“. I cut this definition right off a website called renewman.com, “Getting irritated by things that never used to bother you? Have you lost your temper suddenly or for no apparent reason? Never quite know when you’re going to fly off the handle again?” I’ve been an irritable male since puberty. I thought flying off the handle was a sign of testosterone rage. Are they saying if I take their drugs, I will have more testosterone, but I’ll be mellow? OH THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!

Fatigue, memory loss, muscle loss, weight gain, hair loss. Find me one man over forty who doesn’t suffer from four of those five things and I’ll buy him a wig. Hair loss? Really? They are claiming that hereditary male pattern baldness is actually a symptom of this disease. Whah?

Low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and depression. If you spend enough years being emasculated by women, subjugated by the boss, treated like an idiot by your children, and beat down by life you will exhibit all of these symptoms. Hormones have nothing to do with it.

Sleep apnea, prostate problems and osteoporosis. These are all serious problems, the cause of which is not low testosterone. They are each actual health problems. Diseases in their own right. If you suffer from one of these, go to an actual doctor and get help.

Wait a minute. Is this all some B.S. reason to legally get steroid injections? Why didn’t you they so? Every man wants to be a pumped up action hero. They’re going about this all wrong. The ad shouldn’t say “Remember when you had the energy to [do a bunch of wussy stuff like be romantic and go to concerts]” It should feature Mr. T saying, “Wanna get ripped? Wanna bust some heads? Tired of takin’ shit off everybody all the time? Then get your T back, Sucka!”

Hell yeah! Sign me up.

Thirty Nine

On the occassion of the 18th anniversary of my 21st birthday, I’d like to take a 3.25 minutes to review the stats for my life so far:

I’ve been with Lisa and Jacob for 9.12054794505479452054795 years.

I can honestly say that 9.081532158016554 years of it has been pretty awesome.
We’ve been married for 6.795205479452054794520547945205 years

I’ve had the same cat for 17 years.
I’ve been legally elligible to drink for 6,570 nights. I don’t remember how many of those nights I actually drank, but I can say I puked probably less than 20 times.

This is only since I turned 21. Underage drinking gets expunged from your record.
It can be assumed that I’ve consumed 462.6 gallons of booze. (This stat is based on normal American per capita consumption, That’s 2.14 gallons per month. Jesus, America, slow down. It’s not a race. Is this why Rick Perry is so popular? You bunch of drunks!)

I’ve owned 11 cars

3 were bought new
10 were American
1 was German

I’ve eaten 14,235 breakfasts, but I’ve only had 1,768 bisuits
I’ve lived 9 places (4 apartments and 5 houses) in 4 different cities, all within 60 miles of my place of birth.
I’ve voted in 5 Presidential elections. 3 times, my candidate won.
I’ve been to 19 states
I’ve had 7 jobs, with an average tenure of 3.4 years.

I better get back to work now or this stat may be in danger

Left Behind

I am forever fascinated when people don’t embrace new technology. I have friends and family who aren’t on Facebook because they aren’t on the internet and don’t even have a computer. WTF? There are two adults and a child in our house and we have ten internet access points (3 smart phones, 2 tablets, 2 PC’s, 1 Laptop, 1 PS3, and 1 Wii), and I’m about to add an eleventh (a Roku player). The reason, it seems, that so many people aren’t connected to the web isn’t money based, and it’s not because they’re old and don’t understand the technology. It’s because it’s just not a priority to them.

Newsflash! Technology should be a priority to you. It’s not just about Facebook. We don’t just use technology to stay connected, and to stay informed. This is how we advance our human civilization.

Google’s Autonomous Car

Google has developed a fleet of cars that drive themselves. They’ve clocked over 160,000 miles. The precision android driving of this technology will one day eliminate traffic by allowing us to have smaller lanes and leave smaller gaps between moving vehicles. There will never be an auto accident, a speeding ticket or a drunk driver.

I have an app on my phone (a devise that fits in my pocket and has more computing power than we took to the moon) that allows me to have a spoken conversation with someone who doesn’t speak English. I say something in English, and it speaks it in Spanish. The person speaks to me in Spanish, and the phone speaks it in English. I’ve almost eliminated the need for a wallet because there are apps for store cards and library cards, and coming soon a debit card app. And you want to know something? If I could get this technology off my phone, and implanted in my body, I’d be first in line to do it.

I can no longer conceive of a world in which I’m not constantly connected. I use the internet on the fly to find directions, movie times, restaurants, to settle arguments over trivia, to read, to watch movies, to listen to music, to work. Today we have all the world’s knowledge at our fingertips. We can’t be many years away from brain implants that give us the internet in our heads. Imagine all that information instantly available as a thought.

Cybernetic implants and prosthetics are already common place. Some day soon, every part of you will have the potential for an artificial replacement. Immortality can’t be far behind. I’ll tell you now, that as my human parts give out, I will harvest parts from the people who today don’t even have internet access. That will be their punishment for hiding from the forward march of civilization. Their parts will be harvested by the cyborgs. And when those parts give out, I will replace them with robot parts. Then finally, even the last remaining bits of the people who aren’t able to read this will get left behind.

Suck on that!

Walmart: Hell’s Vestibule

Every Sunday, like Dian Fossey, I spend time in observation of my closest relatives in the animal kingdom. I feel as though I’ve been sent by National Geographic to observe the native population and their social habits. Only instead of watching chimps fashion tools from twigs and share bananas, I see huge women on motorized carts loading up on Ramen Noodles, and double size family packs of Nacho Cheese Doritos. That’s right, I’m talking about the weekly trip to Walmart.

I struggle to find the right words to express how much I hate going to Walmart. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up on the floor and go to sleep. There are always so many people, and they’re always right where I need to be. Even in the produce section. I can tell by looking at them that these people don’t eat vegetables, but there they are hogging the space.

This is a true story. One week Lisa was working on Sunday so I went without her. I went late in the day and during a Cowboys game in hopes of avoiding the crowds. Even though the aisles were less crowded, there was someone standing in front of every item on my list. This is true. I wanted bacon, but there was a couple arguing in front of the bacon. I wanted soup, but there was guy on his cell phone leaning against the soup. I needed toilet paper, but there was a lady standing indecisively in front of the toilet paper I wanted. It felt like a set up for a hidden camera show.

If we’re going to make this recession work, we need some ground rules for Walmart shopping.

Crowd Control. Each family can only send one delegate to do their shopping. It doesn’t require the whole family, and the entire process will go more smoothly if there are fewer people involved.
Freak Factor. When choosing your family’s shopping delegate, pick the least freaky person.
Dress Code. If your family’s least freaky person is still side-show worthy, here are a few dress code tips:

Underwear goes on the inside of your pants.
Just because you can tuck your boobs into your pants doesn’t mean you don’t have to wear a shirt.
A skirt and heels is never an option for a man.

Courtesy. If your shopping needs fill two carts or if you are an extreme couponer, you’ll need to shop on a weekday while the rest of us are at work.
Self Control. Those motorized carts are for the handicapped. Lazy is not a handicap. If your too fat to walk through Walmart, it may be time to switch to Whole Foods. I’m just sayin’.

Together we can get through this. We’re going to have to share this world until one of you rednecks pisses me off for the last time. So lets pull together and make the best of a bad situation. Ah, forget it. I’m going to Kroger.

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