Walmart: Hell’s Vestibule

Every Sunday, like Dian Fossey, I spend time in observation of my closest relatives in the animal kingdom. I feel as though I’ve been sent by National Geographic to observe the native population and their social habits. Only instead of watching chimps fashion tools from twigs and share bananas, I see huge women on motorized carts loading up on Ramen Noodles, and double size family packs of Nacho Cheese Doritos. That’s right, I’m talking about the weekly trip to Walmart.

I struggle to find the right words to express how much I hate going to Walmart. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up on the floor and go to sleep. There are always so many people, and they’re always right where I need to be. Even in the produce section. I can tell by looking at them that these people don’t eat vegetables, but there they are hogging the space.
This is a true story. One week Lisa was working on Sunday so I went without her. I went late in the day and during a Cowboys game in hopes of avoiding the crowds. Even though the aisles were less crowded, there was someone standing in front of every item on my list. This is true. I wanted bacon, but there was a couple arguing in front of the bacon. I wanted soup, but there was guy on his cell phone leaning against the soup. I needed toilet paper, but there was a lady standing indecisively in front of the toilet paper I wanted. It felt like a set up for a hidden camera show.

If we’re going to make this recession work, we need some ground rules for Walmart shopping.

  1. Crowd Control. Each family can only send one delegate to do their shopping. It doesn’t require the whole family, and the entire process will go more smoothly if there are fewer people involved.
  2. Freak Factor. When choosing your family’s shopping delegate, pick the least freaky person.
  3. Dress Code. If your family’s least freaky person is still side-show worthy, here are a few dress code tips:
    • Underwear goes on the inside of your pants.
    • Just because you can tuck your boobs into your pants doesn’t mean you don’t have to wear a shirt.
    • A skirt and heels is never an option for a man.
  4. Courtesy. If your shopping needs fill two carts or if you are an extreme couponer, you’ll need to shop on a weekday while the rest of us are at work.
  5. Self Control. Those motorized carts are for the handicapped. Lazy is not a handicap. If your too fat to walk through Walmart, it may be time to switch to Whole Foods. I’m just sayin’.

Together we can get through this. We’re going to have to share this world until one of you rednecks pisses me off for the last time. So lets pull together and make the best of a bad situation. Ah, forget it. I’m going to Kroger.


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